On the Fence

This could very well be the last weekend, just the three of us.

Thankfully the weather has been GORGEOUS. We’ve been spending a lot of time outside, playing in the sunshine, on bikes and in our kiddy-pool. All the while I find myself constantly reaching for my phone to take photos or videos of what the day brought.

When Josh and I got married, I found myself wanting to freeze time more than usual. There were many moments throughout our wedding day I wished I could stay in for years to come, a lot of our “firsts” as a married couple I wanted a mental, or digital snapshot.

It’s no surprise that the ache to pause time has only increased in frequency and intensity after having Ezra. He is learning and growing so quickly. His personality grows bigger and more complex every single day. We laugh and cry, sometimes scream and curl up into puddles on the floor, because we’re learning and growing together.

Even in the intense moments I know I will miss these days, of only having my Ez, the days of somewhat mundane routine, that are never completely dull, because motherhood never is.

I find myself struggling between wanting to meet our new babe so badly, and also wanting to stay in this time and moments with Ezra and Josh.

I think we sometimes feel guilty for “being on the fence” or “having one foot in, one foot out”, but I think that’s truly part of our human existence. Our lives are ever changing, and it causes us to desire and lean into what is comfortable and known, but at the same time we yearn for adventure, crave change and despise the mundane.

We’re never told about all of the changes that bring on a slight, or substantial, grief cycle. I want to encourage you that many many changes in life require a time of grieving, however brief it may be. It is okay to grieve your current life being “lost” or changed, while also being excited for the next steps and newness coming. It is okay the be excited, but also feel a bit of sadness in a moment. It is the ebb and flow of life. Grief is often associated with pain, or loss. However, I believe that grief isn’t synonymous with “bad”, but rather a necessary part of life’s constant changes and phases.

I am thankful for these moments, even the hard ones, because they are leading us to growth and strength as individuals and as a family until. As days pass I find starting to let go of our current life, but also I find myself loving Josh more and more for the father he has grown into for Ezra. I watch in awe as my two year old blows me away with his empathy, smarts, sass and substantial amount of goofiness that I pray is never squelched out of him, wanting to freeze time, and at the same time I cannot wait to watch him become a big brother.

I am learning to feel things as they come, instead of blocking them out. I am learning to allow myself to sit with emotions and muddle through them, and right now uncertainty and some grief are two that keep coming up. As excited and happily anxious as I am for our next season of life, I find myself wanting to hold on a bit tighter to what I know before this shift comes.

If any of this resonates with you, please know it’s okay, you aren’t alone, and find time to allow yourself to feel and process the spectrum of emotions that come about throughout the beautiful and painful life changes.