Sorry (Not sorry)

Hello!

It has been almost two months since I've posted a blog, and my instagram activity has been shotty to say the least; even on my personal account. I started this, and then just a month later it seemed to fizzle out of me.

I'm sorry, but I'm also not sorry.

I have been wanting to post, I have been brainstorming other stories and advice I want to share, but I felt there was no practical time for it. Truthfully, I have been completely and utterly drained.

Everyone said January had 70 days this year, and it definitely felt that way, but February threw some mean punches, at least it did in my world. I felt as though I was sleepwalking most days, unable to feel fully awake and energized. Work has felt heavier as of late, and even though I try so hard to separate work and home life sometimes it is tougher than expected.

I have been on auto-pilot the past two months.

I've been praying for a shift; anything to help me sleep better or to snap me out of this funk. Have you ever felt this way? Coffee seems ineffective, exercise is daunting and more of a chore than an act of self-love, and sleeping through the night is a foreign concept.

Tonight I literally apologized to my 15 month old for being an exhausted mom. He walked over to me, and put his arms up, so I set him on my lap and said "I hope you know how much I love you. I am so sorry momma is always so tired, that I don't seem as fun as dadda, and that I usually cry on my day off while I'm home with you".

I couldn't pay any attention to this blog, because if I had, it would have been taking a lot of the little I had left for my family. I have been slowly learning what takes effort for me, noticing what I have to mentally prepare myself for, or talk myself into. I have also been taking notice of the things I do because I think it will appease someone else, or I think that it would be frowned upon if I didn't do it, because those are the things that really pile up when I become this exhausted. I don't want to upset or hurt anyones feelings, so I agree to whatever I am asked to do, when in reality I want to be home playing with my kid, or napping - napping is preferred.

My original plan for this blog was to have something specific I post about on a daily basis, and I have realized for myself and my current work/study situation that my goal was unattainable during this time. Maybe in a few months I can add a day or two, but for now I will plan on posting once a week, so that I can write and edit one post throughout the week, as well as maintain some sanity and composure.

I guess my point of this post is to:

1: Put out feelers to see if anyone else gets this way.

2: Let someone else out there know they aren't alone.

3: Give a reminder to examine your health - mental, emotional and physical.

PS: I am trying to stretch for 20-30 minutes in the morning before I do anything else, just to try and ease tension and mentally go over my day. It is usually accompanied by a toddler crawling all over me, but hey, counts as some play time for him too. I have notice the mornings I stretch are mornings I feel a bit more like a human, so maybe find something that works for you! Journaling, reading, sitting in silence (what even is that?), and enjoying coffee. Find what helps you see and experience little bits of joy throughout the day.

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